*
Wed, Dec 31
lfm
fireworks outside (a couple hours early) vs one of the leathery floorpillows creaking while a friend of a friend lounges atop it
*
Wed, Dec 31
lfm
new year new horse
*
Wed, Dec 31
lfm
"i shouldve taken the hints" and "they shouldve been more straightforward" can in fact coexist no matter how frustrating it might be
*
Tue, Dec 30
lfm
and on account of my mind being annoyingly associative even via small details sometimes, the griefs small and large have partially coalesced into a web of some kind. I Wish I Could Bawl About It All Maybe I'd Feel Better Then.
*
Tue, Dec 30
lfm
i just wish i could Fucking Bawl about it. still not been able to
*
Tue, Dec 30
lfm
these are the narrow days. staring at a slice of grey sky through a window. feeling the weight of your body, the heaviest substance imaginable. listen to the small and fleeting sounds. sudden memories, jagged or slippery. read words very slowly and try to breathe around them.
keep beetling on 🪲
-a friend's comforting words the other day
*
Tue, Dec 30
lfm
nothing left to salvage, just trying to get around to patching myself up. sorry
*
Tue, Dec 30
lfm
like yea i do have plenty other friendships that actually do make more sense and i do appreciate them
but if u fall and absolutely fuckin eat shit do u focus on the bits of u that remained unscathed or on the It Fucking Hurts
*
Tue, Dec 30
lfm
the fallout just more of seemingly-small-but-maybe-not-really grief on top of already this year of change and griefs large and small for me. still variably fucking gutted about this even while i understand and respect the need for distance and do need the distance myself also
doesnt stop me from wishing things had turned out differently but there's nothing left to salvage now most likely
*
Tue, Dec 30
lfm
and frustrated and sad.
*
Tue, Dec 30
lfm
got social plans for tomorrow but i'm lonely Right Now.
*
Tue, Dec 30
lfm
thinking about some tumblr post about posting in big fuckoff font size, thisll be an indirect reference to that one:
i've logged the fuck on and i'm making it everyone else's problem!!!
*i wont make it everyone's problem i'm just trying to vent this frustration atm in ways that don't allude to why i'm frustrated cos there's nothing i can even do about it directly
*
Tue, Dec 30
lfm
it's OKAY!
*
Tue, Dec 30
lfm
IT'S OKAY FOR EMOTIONS TO TAKE UP SPACE WITHIN ME
what i do with or roused by them is another question BUT IT'S FINE TO FEEL THEM it's literally fine. and then i can let them go gracefully AND IT'S FINE
*
Tue, Dec 30
lfm
fucking frustrated
*
Tue, Dec 30
lfm
ebb & flow...
*
Mon, Dec 29
lfm
weak in a strong way / strong in a weak way
*
Mon, Dec 29
lfm
i'm struggling with the idea of taking up space atm really. it's fine it's FINE
*
Mon, Dec 29
lfm
shit i'd post that i'd immediately delete again anyway
*
Sun, Dec 28
lfm
i wish things turned out differently
(this isnt strictly about one thing)
*
Sun, Dec 28
lfm
sky's cleared up for the night
*
Fri, Dec 26
lfm
🕊
letter? for future me, say, late march 2026?
i don't really have much to aim for currently to be honest, just some expectations of a continued stable life. always end up in this energy saver mode in the depths of the darkest time of the year.
i'm still off-kilter right now over having fallen out with someone a couple of weeks back. y'know. i'm not expecting any amends or anything though. part of me was still really fond of them in some way up until the bid for distance, even though the fondness wasn't really making any sense. but i miss the way certain moments with them felt (from before i started catching feelings), something about them felt distinctly good, even outside of the context of having had Feelings for them for some while. i dunno.
but just, be careful if you end up falling in love with a friend again (i doubt you'll be at such a point, from how rarely i've had these cases, but gotta be safe)
i've not had much energy to pursue hobby type things properly right now either, my focus been in retractive activities, going through things trying to figure out what to keep. but i just want to aim back toward experiencing things more fully again, in the now. but sometimes it's just this deep fog...
the tranceparty in midmarch - how was it? hopefully it was a good time overall.
i'll try sleep now. malibu live on kexp at home still got me.
*
Thu, Dec 25
lfm
hope you get some warm space and some warm closeness as required
*
Tue, Dec 23
lfm
checkpoint: struggling with letting go
*
Tue, Dec 23
lfm
Get in your body. Frequently step away from what you’re doing. Eat lunch, go for a walk, take a shower, listen to music. This will help you remember that your brain lives in a body that needs some attention. (src)
*
Tue, Dec 23
lfm
not quite as clear as it was forecasting, but still seen a bit of sun
*
Mon, Dec 22
lfm
you cant ask people to be what they arent like
*
Sun, Dec 21
lfm
the whirr of my friend's oldhorse laptop
*
Sat, Dec 20
lfm
military-grade pet hair
*
Fri, Dec 19
lfm
ephemeral posting a lot right now
*
Fri, Dec 19
lfm
forecasting clear sky for some of tuesday?
*
Thu, Dec 18
lfm
not really much to [verb]
*
Thu, Dec 18
lfm
most logistically annoying thing about this: not having any go-to sadcry music these days
*
Wed, Dec 17
lfm
sc sifted backlog: 135 things, 121h 9min
*
Wed, Dec 17
lfm
or rather sometimes gotta be aware that i gotta actually learn from my own mistakes too
*
Wed, Dec 17
lfm
sometimes just got to make mistakes to learn
*
Tue, Dec 16
lfm
thinking about a friend of mine who ive met a few times whose place i dropped by the other month, and them talking about not wanting to leave traces online as much as they have in the past. feels resonant, that. hoping they doing good, would be nice to hang more someday, maybe ifwhen some other event in their city down the line
*
Mon, Dec 15
lfm
the sands of time and change will get to all
*
Sun, Dec 14
lfm
fell asleep for a bit. snowy now for a bit.
*
Sat, Dec 13
lfm
outdoor drying rack decked up in fairy lights
*
Sat, Dec 13
lfm
sleepy duck at the stream atop a small fallen branch
*
Sat, Dec 13
lfm
grateful in general for this web of connections, situational as a lot of it might be, but all the same
*
Thu, Dec 11
lfm
"y'know, something that i actually don't understand or know about, what the hell does dl trade mean? um, recently, a dl emt in the ie confessed feelings to me. is that dl trade?! like, there is no nudes involved, but... y'know, feelings were traded! like, (??) back to me on that, thanks(?)!"
-in the current soundcloud mix im listening hahaha unfortunately i too do not know wtf theyre talking about, but i love the "feelings were traded" wording lmao
*
Wed, Dec 10
lfm
after aistobascistod, from convo with a friend:
oli xl : xylitol
jamie xx : xymietjax
i mean : anytime
e : yet
*
Wed, Dec 10
lfm
cherished situationals
*
Tue, Dec 09
lfm
dont put your own thoughts into other people's heads
*
Sun, Dec 07
lfm
person next to me on the bus having their coat on their lap spilling over a little bit onto my lap - something poetic about this
*
Sun, Dec 07
lfm
someone eating/eaten an orange on this bus. lovely smell.