-- but im happy to have had the moments in the first place, to lightly hold onto --
next intent for the site: cultivate the links a bit. want to put some things therrrrre
from the atomic 3000 xenon strobe manual:
Whether or not you value your life, disconnect the fixture from AC power and allow the capacitor to discharge for 1 minute.
It is difficult for anyone born and raised in human infrastructure to truly internalize the fact that your view of the world is backward. Even if you fully know that you live in a natural world that existed before you and will continue long after, even if you know that the wilderness is the default state of things, and that nature is not something that only happens in carefully curated enclaves between towns, something that pops up in empty spaces if you ignore them for a while, even if you spend your whole life believing yourself to be deeply in touch with the ebb and flow, the cycle, the ecosystem as it actually is, you will still have trouble picturing an untouched world. You will still struggle to understand that human constructs are carved out and overlaid, that these are the places that are the in-between, not the other way around.
-a psalm for the wild-built by becky chambers, via here
ai ai ai i cannot remmeber my soundcloud password
this from a friend (same as the cow field) in my head rentfree lately, complete with the misspelling. (faces any misfortune) ai ai ai i cannot remmeber my password
hell, i have some custom css set up w/ lb that strips everything besides the custom text from the block/delay page. branding begone
unlike a fictional work, a piece of software doesn't really contain much in the way of ideological content; if it did, it would cease to be an effective site blocker so I'd uninstall it. art is hard to separate from the artist because it exists as an act of communication; a tool that solely exists to perform a task doesn't say anything except about the task.
shame bout the leechblock dev being like that, but also - software can have its owners/devs be changed probably far more easily than with art and its artist...
ok youre right it doesnt matter actually
a drop of milk in a cow field
-a friend lmaooooooo
sneek you get into the waveforms of your fav songs, your threshold for this kinda stuff is obviously different
-a friend, a while back (context: this album listenable at both 33rpm and 45rpm)
sat my ass down on the couch to yap on discord once i got back home though and lost the momentum, but it's fine, day off tomorrow. might still try wake early, if even just to wakefully take in the extended bedtime privileges. though i slept rather patchily last night, randomly woke up a couple of times, but i saw the moon from my window around like 5am before the sky clouded up :-)
cautiously noting a feeling of being a little more in balance
maybe its also the fact i left my phone home going to work but took my mp3 player, and sang along loudly to some james k during lunchbreak and mopping the floor after closing, and locked in on actually getting some stuff done there today after the yester day of fuck-all
and managed to ride the inertia enough to get around to visiting my cat, and acquiring tortilla chips on discount from the store closest to there, all while still listening to music from the mp3 player instead of my phone.
i mean to be fair on a more lighthearted note this dream involved, ridiculous as it fucking sounds, a literal pocket-sized evian christ (???) who'd ended up turning into some literal pocket-sized dog or somesuch by end of dream (??????) (accompanied by another pocket-sized dog or somesuch) (this was what made me cry in the dream, not sure what emotion tipped me over)
???????? lol??
and also weird physics involving a cup that was floating spinning in some draft of wind on my parents' balcony, at some earlier point
...over something really silly that wouldnt even be possible irl, and im not even sure what it exactly was about it, but it was the last straw on dream-me, who was also feeling heavyhearted about the fallout (even while the person wasnt in this particular dream)
note-to-self: scroll-margin for spacing before :target elements (maybe also some minimal addtl styling)
think it's the most out of place ive felt with my being-online habits in a hot minute, either way. so empty.
writing full-privately in my diary feels too lonely of an ordeal sometimes, is all. and i don't want that sort of loneliness on my plate right now, there's enough shit on it already
shouldve taken the hints i.e. i shouldve taken them more seriously
fucking frustrating all the same. nothing to do but try be mature about this and try pass the emotional-time (i.e actually find things to do to take my mind off all this), and go to the grocery store after work all the same...
feeling timid about continuing to air it like this within my site-constellation when airing the in-love feelings within my site-constellation was part of what bit me in the fucking ass ultimately
but i REALLY need the outlet or i will either lose my mind or make my trusted friends lose theirs (halfjoke, but there's only so much they can do). and no, writing full-privately in my diary doesnt hit the same
nothing of use to do on the phone for rest of lunchbreak, and nothing of non-use either. only focus on the nts supporter radio...
trying to monitor my mind patiently without coming to rushed conclusions and actions
fireworks outside (a couple hours early) vs one of the leathery floorpillows creaking while a friend of a friend lounges atop it
"i shouldve taken the hints" and "they shouldve been more straightforward" can in fact coexist no matter how frustrating it might be
and on account of my mind being annoyingly associative even via small details sometimes, the griefs small and large have partially coalesced into a web of some kind. I Wish I Could Bawl About It All Maybe I'd Feel Better Then.
these are the narrow days. staring at a slice of grey sky through a window. feeling the weight of your body, the heaviest substance imaginable. listen to the small and fleeting sounds. sudden memories, jagged or slippery. read words very slowly and try to breathe around them.
keep beetling on 🪲
-a friend's comforting words the other day