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hi i also exist here / currently displaying the latest 2 weeks of thoughts from newest

winter-into-spring '25 status: might still be fragile sometimes; trying to wriggle out of stagnation

had to punt the template-code page for now or it wouldn't let me save any theme-edits - will see maybe i'll make a page on my nc site instead...

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* Apr 02 ~ 19:53 lfm

thinking about the end of an exchange i saw once (related to josm)

I really don’t care , sorry

That's okay. Not every hill is one to die on.

not every hill is one to die on.

* Apr 02 ~ 06:59 lfm

mängukoobas chat in my dream...

* Apr 01 ~ 16:52 lfm

and my first bee sighting of the season just as i had typed the previous thought up :,)

* Apr 01 ~ 16:52 lfm

rephrasing: memories feeling like an unshakeable dream i've been unable to yet wake from

* Apr 01 ~ 16:48 lfm

carpet hanger obscured by shrubs that i have walked past over a thousand times but noticed only now

* Apr 01 ~ 16:44 lfm

old friend nyan cat on streetcomplete

* Apr 01 ~ 11:24 lfm

like a dream unshakeable from memory

* Mar 31 ~ 17:40 lfm

clouded by selfdoubts a lot sometimes mostly on the too-much - not-enough continuum

i need more space and time and spare energy to digest that than i currently do

* Mar 31 ~ 17:21 lfm

annoyingly valid fear of being too much

* Mar 31 ~ 07:08 lfm

(...)

ever since i learned how to pronounce ur name i keep rolling it around in my head. i know this is lowkey stupid but :p

* Mar 30 ~ 22:37 lfm

short sight, blurry lights, bleary eyes

* Mar 30 ~ 21:56 lfm

gonna have to digest these feelings largely on my own

* Mar 30 ~ 21:03 lfm

the pitched evian-evian-evian-... tag that evian christ sometimes uses in his sets. thats the thought rn

* Mar 30 ~ 19:45 lfm

if you see this No You Do Not :p (vaguepost to wrap up all vagueposts)

* Mar 30 ~ 19:10 lfm

contract in my inbox we are so on

* Mar 30 ~ 13:31 (Europe/London) lfm

lmao the 2 ppl who sat in same row as me on the flight here happened behind me in the boarding queue for the flight back and recognized me cos one of them had to slight-switch seats w me - but this time they're sitting rather far apart but one of them again in same row as me - what are the ODDS

* Mar 30 ~ 11:51 (Europe/London) lfm

lifes too short not to be an earnest mf i guess

* Mar 30 ~ 06:02 (Europe/London) lfm

tonite the ppl i knew more left over the course of the tail end of the night and im a bit sad i couldnt say bye to some of em

* Mar 30 ~ 05:59 (Europe/London) lfm

too earnest for my own good

* Mar 30 ~ 05:38 (Europe/London) lfm

lime bike tipped over in the middle of the sidewalk

* Mar 30 ~ 03:51 (Europe/London) lfm

ok - be realistic for reals

* Mar 29 ~ 22:11 (Europe/London) lfm

pigeon feather floating and falling into the venue queue area

* Mar 29 ~ 20:57 (Europe/London) lfm

-- thinking about the hypothetical of sharing a listen of cartoon smile. it means everything to me sometimes, and i want to share a sliver of that, with you.

... beloved memory patchwork quilt. travelling going to these events and occasionally meeting up with some of the lot or otherwise with some friend(s) or other makes me feel like i belong. going on big fuckoff summer night walks along the perimeter of my hometown makes me feel like i belong. i'm really grateful.

... of course the world is on a level of bullshit which individual feelings of love and belonging won't fix alone. but it gives some reason to try... (at least - in my case For Now - in getting around to more actively trying to making moves in my life toward not being so actively tormented by my circumstances - well, mostly the living w my parents still, anyway) --

* Mar 29 ~ 18:49 (Europe/London) lfm

sometimes it is up to the world to smile to you, sometimes it is up to you to smile to the world

(hidden pondrances from before pre-tp nap)

seems maybe no lighting of the dry crush kindling fortunately, at least directly - tbh for the better!! though an undeniable fondness nonetheless, on a friendly level. but, was simply nice to hang out w you and the rest of the lot and take in all the music and vibes and fog and strobes and hangouts and... and will be nice to tonight too!!!

but, hopefully you didnt mind me holding onto either of yr shoulders a bunch - as not to lose you in the fog and strobe at points at first, later on to stabilize you... feels something very sweet in some sense, about hand on shoulder. hope you didn't mind it too much - guess i could ask about it tonight.

and something very sweet in some sense about accompanying a friend to their slightly-further-off destination via public transport just so they'd get there safely.

can you blame me for the state of mind
lines, can you read between the lines

okay... time to try sleep. someone in a server im in got a pic with evian last night, which lowkey makes me wanna too - he even clocked my light-up winged cap last night passing me by (prolly seen me around w it on prior times), looked at me, smiled, said 'sup. lowkey made my evening haha

* Mar 29 ~ 14:07 (Europe/London) lfm

i fish out the plastic cup for water from my hoodie pocket - it has a single piece of confetti in it

* Mar 29 ~ 13:09 (Europe/London) lfm

last nights verdict:

lovely amt of ppl i know from online given paper cranes to. told the dream to the friend at one point and things did not end up going weird cos of that, we continue chillin (in this house this is a w). did 100% seretide set in the end and it was good fuckign warmup for latter half of evian set. heard all fired up seretide mix in its intended environment. Life's Goood

* Mar 29 ~ 02:22 (Europe/London) lfm

main room would beckon to me but really needa dance myself a bit senseless to seretide rn

* Mar 28 ~ 14:11 (Europe/London) lfm

flurry of cherry petals -- at least i think these are cherry trees, in bloom

* Mar 28 ~ 13:43 (Europe/London) lfm

gulls flying around

* Mar 28 ~ 13:35 (Europe/London) lfm

the garden at 120, 15 floors up.

the vine-y trees or whatever around the structures are still bare, but the daffodils are well up. windy but sunny. people walking around, sitting, chatting. construction sounds from below. helicopters occasionally flying overhead. sitting next to some little manmade waterstream, reading this book i got with me, listening to - u guessed it - oli xl.

* Mar 28 ~ 10:38 (Europe/London) lfm

no bullshit!! breakfast time

* Mar 28 ~ 01:26 (Europe/London) lfm

tmrw quest: cook sth for breakfast/brunch (cba setting alarm, will see where this leads me) -> explore garden at 120 and brick lane as per friend reco -> (drop by the occasional sainsburys to seek for if theres still the lemon meringue minicakes anywhere....) -> ??? -> drop by hostel, cook sth for dinner, maybe -> Trance Party

* Mar 27 ~ 22:56 (Europe/London) lfm

quest: toilet - grocery - kitchen - brush teeth n suchsome - settle to bed

* Mar 27 ~ 19:36 lfm

guy next to me fidgeting w the beaded bracelet hes got. love that. felt

* Mar 27 ~ 16:47 lfm

stork nest atop an end-wall left of a house

* Mar 27 ~ 16:39 lfm

magpie sat atop a roughed hedge

* Mar 27 ~ 16:08 lfm

bus stop shelter at a mild tilt

* Mar 27 ~ 14:33 lfm

stork sighting!

* Mar 27 ~ 10:13 lfm

but for now i eat and then i pack for the trip!!!!!!!!!!!

* Mar 27 ~ 10:13 lfm

and then next i'll read that shit like i were in literature class analyzing a text, as soon as possible haha

* Mar 27 ~ 09:40 lfm

i could cry a little bit - 2020 me especially wished she had this shit

but needed a bit of serious-business weathering thru holding down a job and all (and savings bolstering for the rainy days) before being truly ready to tackle this type of stuff

(i.e. negotiating apartment-give-over day to a couple weeks from now, currently waiting to find out if the contract stuff will go down digitally or physically)

* Mar 27 ~ 09:19 lfm

LOCKING IN!!!!!!!!$!!

* Mar 27 ~ 00:51 lfm

on this time three years ago i was at the event i first saw a bunch of artists including oli xl at :-] and evian christ too - seeing evian for the uhh. 6th+7th time this weekend lol, tp:weekender moment

* Mar 25 ~ 18:14 lfm

what a gift to live and experience

* Mar 25 ~ 17:58 lfm

sainsburys lemon meringue mini loaf cakes beamed back into my mind, from a year ago. need

* Mar 25 ~ 16:40 lfm

to site intentions list: memes page free to take... :p

* Mar 25 ~ 03:11 lfm
* Mar 25 ~ 01:22 lfm

miniorchid status: 20 spent, 1 + 4 up, 3? coming up :,)

* Mar 24 ~ 22:17 lfm

the gravity of 3 years and 6800(+) listens and continued deep heartwarmth for it really hits sometimes...

* Mar 24 ~ 22:16 lfm

i'm calling it. i haven't figured out any reliable way to send a physical letter to 30-to-40-years-in-the-future (which'd make 58-68yo) me about such, or i totally would...

* Mar 24 ~ 22:15 lfm

cartoon smile is going to genuinely stay w me for the rest of my life, i'm calling it

* Mar 24 ~ 20:03 lfm

an appreciation so sprawling it has its own design language

* Mar 24 ~ 18:17 lfm

tilting into waiting game mode, for now

* Mar 24 ~ 17:39 lfm

"tactical retreat"

* Mar 24 ~ 12:13 lfm

have to write to the owner today and negotiate stuff now - but for now a celebratry walk

* Mar 24 ~ 12:12 lfm

WE'RE LOCKING IN BOYS

* Mar 24 ~ 11:52 lfm

funny af to think of apartment viewings as basically going on dates with apartments - it's kind of true isn't it

* Mar 24 ~ 11:27 lfm

resident oli-ologist

-a friend. thanks i'll adopt oli-ology into my fucking vocab now

* Mar 24 ~ 10:08 lfm

double-barrel nervousness (and/or excitement?)

* Mar 23 ~ 22:52 lfm

the other day: took me a good few minutes to remember the word запрещено ('forbidden')

* Mar 23 ~ 19:03 lfm

the ball is rolling.

* Mar 23 ~ 17:24 lfm

go!!!!

eat something for enough energy for some time of dwelling outside -> make notes abt days off on paper w pen, go outside w said paper n pen, call the mf to negotiate viewing time Soon As Possible -> Yeah

* Mar 23 ~ 16:12 lfm

casting another line...

* Mar 23 ~ 13:56 lfm

tastemaking

* Mar 22 ~ 16:46 lfm

2 days til 8th anni of getting this phone haha

* Mar 22 ~ 15:17 lfm

a drowsy fly joined me on my walk

* Mar 22 ~ 14:59 lfm

yellow one spotted too :-)

* Mar 22 ~ 14:14 lfm

first butterfly sighting of the season :,) colourful this time.

* Mar 22 ~ 12:45 lfm

once again thinking about mikroślimak

* Mar 21 ~ 23:42 lfm

(hidden pre-sleep pondrances)

part of me is losing it over a verse from [redacted]:

i don't know you so well
but i like you to a point where
i wanna grab your chin and pull it lightly close to mine
and keep it there

fucked up when you be lowkey relating to this type of shit. i indeed do not know them so well but the chin to chin is yet debatable. i know i gotta relax and be realistic and not rlly expect much besides possible mild flustering really :p but with this type of stuff i guess theres always some sorta what if.... yknow

but i gotta relax and go purely w the flow and see where it goes !! irl vibes can be decent bit different than in-my-head-over-feelings vibes, i well know this from experience. and in this case i've got to hang out w em prior and its been nice n chill

it all really comes down to me wanting to fuck around and find out haha (mainly how itd feel to admit this type of stuff face to face... both times ive admitted to adjacent feelings have been online yet. and this isnt as full flung as those times, merely 'i dreamt (...) and it made me see you in a much softer light' really. the feelings are open-ended, the daydreams purely hypothetical. but also more specifically the how theyd react to this)

for now a fun cute feeling

* Mar 21 ~ 22:08 lfm

maybe i don't wanna figure it out

* Mar 21 ~ 20:06 lfm

there's this meatstuffs processing thing rather nearby, and i think they smoke meat in the outdoor containers for such on maybe fridays and saturdays? and sometimes the smell wafts a bit into my room if my window is open. adjacent enough to bbq type smells to come across pleasant

* Mar 21 ~ 18:46 lfm

aware she wants to help bc she cares, dont want her help bc both of them have been overly unhelpful on my mental in the past and also cos feels infantilizing on some level. please let me just fetch the stuff i need when i need it, let me have some autonomy

* Mar 21 ~ 15:33 lfm

needa learn how to say 'can i pet them' in russian

* Mar 20 ~ 23:10 lfm

sometimes the world smiles to me thru sweet music and a kind worker learning the ropes at the local hesburger

* Mar 20 ~ 16:27 lfm

(hidden pondrances from the lakeside rocks)

been clingy as fuck in these circumstances in the past though, but im not entirely sure for what reasons. nonetheless if any such out of this foolery then would have to consider and communicate things more more thoroughly, i cant continue being this "stupid" about it, and i guess i might be a little more emotionally mature than whole 4 years ago even, and/or maybe learned a thing or two 4 years ago. well - fuck around, find out, with some more care for myself and others

* Mar 20 ~ 15:19 lfm

bananas on a windowsill alongside potted flowers in a streetside house

* Mar 20 ~ 13:45 lfm

peace and love on planet earth sometimes!!!!!!

* Mar 19 ~ 22:59 lfm

who up in they feelings a slight bit

-- i dont even know if ure single or if/how open you would be to suchlike stuff or even how open i would be to suchlike stuff, but nonetheless i wanna admit this made me lowkey see you in a softer light --

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