bite the world

Wed, Nov 20 - 10:59AM 🎶

though some of this lowkey fucking scary cos changes can be fucking scary + vulnerability can be too. but i try my okayest. anyway.

Wed, Nov 20 - 10:58AM 🎶

friend-interpersonal level, as opposed to this-bullshit-interpersonal level and to more actionable levels.

also if u read all that hidden shit: well damn feel free to lmk for sure, but only willing to talk about it if we're close; doubt there'd b much to say that i already don't know on some level anyway. i guess really on a friend-interpersonal level it comes down to finding support n feeling heard etc etc to patch myself up, even if/when unrelatedly to this woundedness type shit, still helps. much more to life than dwelling on the fact of being a wounded animal. i try my okayest to heal and patch myself up, overall doing okayer than i have at low points in the past i'd think. the not needing to juggle several big wounds atm.

Wed, Nov 20 - 7:12AM 🎶

not feeling like an adult, not feeling like a child. either just being, or being in limbo

Wed, Nov 20 - 6:46AM 🎶

1st snow

Wed, Nov 20 - 12:01AM 🎶

hold me

Wed, Nov 20 - 12:00AM 🎶

lets see where shit went off rails (nosy ones can inspect element for rest of thought. theres a lot. its heavy)

the time they had this stupid talk ~~with~~ AT me after i dropped out of uni in 2020, told me to leave my phone in my room and everything, and they tried pegging this shit on me having been in a queer relationship during high school and i felt so deeply uncomfortable and unsupported, didnt have the energy to stand my ground at all on the fact it started from fucking having had to barely put any effort into studying in middle school and had literally NOTHING to do w me being Not Feminine what the fuck. i felt so deeply hurt by the insinuation and their onesided yapping without consideration for How I Felt And What I Thought etc i couldnt bear it i ran off to my room to cry i couldnt bear it

want to fucking drive my phone into the wall etc writing this but im not jeopardizing my quest to get this slab to 10+ yrs old and also the walls are concrete. id say i hate them but this isnt fully true. i only hate one of them and deeply distrust the other and i wish it wasnt like this but i need to protect myself

anyway... my relationship w em was already off rails by then

thinking of an earlier time - mustve been 2017 or so - my cat had (once again) peed outside the litterbox, on some of my parents' stuff this time, and in some fit of rage over this ■ threatened to ■ her next time she does that. with a knife, ■ specified. this threw me off so bad, to the point of some kind of trauma really though thankfully not to life-disrupting extent. and i think this is the main reason i hate ■ tbh... mother has recounted about how i said as a kid something about 'as long as ■ isnt evil' (not quite the same energy as in estonian. *kuri* was the word i used, it can mean angry or evil/wicked) on whether i like ■ or something, shortly after they'd acquainted. so much for that. i hate how coarse ■ is, and the snoring, and the smoking, and even the regular speaking voice, and. hate hate hate hate hate hate hate

(here some (other, besides my parents) christian fuckers might chime in with Respect Thy Parents bullshit to which i retort with I Barely Had Reliable Paternal Presence Most Of My Fucking Cognizant Childhood Life. i respect my parents by keeping my feelings about them bottled up at em, is this shit fucking worth it??????????)
(here some fuckers might chime in with Okay So Lack Of Paternal Care Must Be Why You blah blah blah fuck you all i literally have 4 brothers there was a lot of fucking masculinity to go around. also im literally fucking built different, shit doesnt apply to me the same as to nt fuckers)

my cat was a (10th) birthday gift to me. this really hurt(s). ■ you werent even present for that shit you have no fucking say over my cats life. i'm the only person alive to remember the process of bringing her home from a car in a nearby store parking lot, inside a coat, as a kitten. something about this really hurts, and not in a straightforward grief way for who did the bringing. in some more complex way.

im pretty sure they dont remember the incident. or at least dont remember it as sharply. i don't have the energy to talk to them about any of this. or if then only to mother, i would not feel comfortable talking to ■ about this. i also wouldnt feel comfortable with the possibility of overhearing them talk about this. so if anything it'd have to be once i move out one day.

i guess this is also the main reason i would prefer to have either some kind of solo funeral, or one with 1 or 2 trusted friends, for my cat, once time comes, if possible... i wouldn't want my parents to it. it would feel like a sacrilege on her memory cos of the above. also cos she's most bonded to me, she'll only hang out with my parents if i'm absent.

anyway... even then i'd become distant with my parents by that time, and from here on i'm not sure why. mother did once, in 2013, deny my autisticness (as writ on the health card thing i'd got from school, for taking to my hs), saying some bullshit about How Im Healthy or whatever, i already saw through the fucking bullshit then. this was one of the thousand cuts pre-cat-incident, maybe some of the cuts were from overhearing bullshit, i forget the rest...

this hurts. other stuff hurts. i wish i had someone irl whose shoulder to cry on.

Tue, Nov 19 - 11:02PM 🎶

the fucking irony of overhearing my parents talking about family shit being broken in this society - on the one hand yes this society is sick on some levels, but at the same time yall not fucking realizing some shit, im barely tolerating yr presence cos of multiple reasons fuck me sideways man you have hurt me too much for true trusted connection to be worth it your asses would just let me down again i cant let you close

my ass being queer + autistic is not any fucking indication of this world being broken in my opposite-of-humble opinion, i wish i had the energy to stand my ground against em about this shit but i DONT i dont i dont id have to distance myself reliably first for a long while before id be able to

Tue, Nov 19 - 10:56PM 🎶

-- well, just some guy might be a bit of an oversimplification, but simultaneously ultimately it's true!

just some music-making guy, over whom im very stupid on several levels. sometimes cute/hot as fuck it's unfair (though i refuse to be directly unhinged about this - theres plenty cute/hot ppl in the world more in my leagues. though i still lose it at my friends over the cute/hotness sometimes LMAO). and who just so happens to have made my deepest comfort song of these times. crazy shit

Tue, Nov 19 - 10:42PM 🎶

how much of healthy living is just maintenance?

Tue, Nov 19 - 10:41PM 🎶

tmrw to-work intentions: battery tester and new pack of pistachios

Tue, Nov 19 - 10:39PM 🎶

tmrw afterwork intentions: kick scooter tlc pt 1 (in prep of bearing and griptape replacement); pan di stelle pack 2 intact/broken sorting; see about bus tix for friday + write to friends abt that

Tue, Nov 19 - 4:47PM 🎶

funny synchronicity - same day i switch out the hanging pot outside the shop door for the lanterns with led candles, a couple of guys come to install the xmas lights on the building

Tue, Nov 19 - 12:51PM 🎶

trying to do things future me will be happy about not having to do

Tue, Nov 19 - 1:31AM 🎶

-- have so much love and care for u in my heart, though i guess a lot of it might be the more general energy cartoon smile keeps dislodging in there whenever i spend time w it even purely-mentally. but also other reasons. having had enough interactions n hearin enough from others to solidify you as Just Some Guy at the end of the day in my head. at the same time not really that deep and really very deep. just the beauty of diverse human connections really

im not fully sure why its so difficult for me to say i love you [so much] in general (in)directly to someone even in the cases it's True. the brain rot of romantic connotation that i feel i have to balance out with as [genre of person], it feeling pretty intense to say in general For Me Personally, not being used to being emotionally vulnerable with ppl, preference of showing the love thru actions, etc maybe

its stupidly absurd how deep-sprawling this is.

Mon, Nov 18 - 3:17PM 🎶

sometimes need a change

Mon, Nov 18 - 1:02PM 🎶

direct sun

Sun, Nov 17 - 9:31PM 🎶

oh - ran out of the first kg of pan di stelle earlier today

Sun, Nov 17 - 8:00PM 🎶

mirror room

Sun, Nov 17 - 6:55PM 🎶

documenting this as a Thought cos itd feel wrong to scrobble that shit: i have just started digging into vegyn's vault.fm thing. gonna make my way up year by year cos the stuff's in folders by year (besides the odcd stuff)

Sun, Nov 17 - 4:14PM 🎶

sunset reflecting off the small rolling waves

Sun, Nov 17 - 1:03PM 🎶

partly cloudy blissful sunday

Sun, Nov 17 - 3:23AM 🎶

feels like home ⇄ meant to be

Sat, Nov 16 - 2:47PM 🎶

postal minivans queued up for car wash spa ~~day~~ some amount of minutes (one in process, two queued)

Sat, Nov 16 - 2:42PM 🎶

more ducks downstream

Sat, Nov 16 - 2:39PM 🎶

four ducks and a crow at streamside

Sat, Nov 16 - 2:37PM 🎶

completely leafbare tree mind you

Sat, Nov 16 - 2:37PM 🎶

teddy bear face down in a ditch and final apples up a tree, in these late autumn scenics

Sat, Nov 16 - 2:33PM 🎶

late autumn scenic

Sat, Nov 16 - 1:17PM 🎶

period startin while at work. deligfhtful!!!!!!!!! (*i was very prepared tbf but i hate the inconvenience of this)

Sat, Nov 16 - 9:23AM 🎶

so... how to unflatten it all

Sat, Nov 16 - 9:20AM 🎶

-- moreso other things in my life making time feel like a flat circle --

Fri, Nov 15 - 10:39PM 🎶

eh im gonna sleep tho. reckon itll be fully back by morning

Fri, Nov 15 - 10:37PM 🎶

woops! gone again

Fri, Nov 15 - 10:35PM 🎶

are we back boys

Fri, Nov 15 - 9:59PM 🎶

and the power just went out in our apartment if not more of the apartments ha damn

Fri, Nov 15 - 9:55PM 🎶

solemn memories

Fri, Nov 15 - 6:14PM 🎶

coco sugar, mayo, bananas (2 or 3)

Fri, Nov 15 - 4:09PM 🎶

hadnt been able to intentionally look at the sunset in a bit

Fri, Nov 15 - 1:38PM 🎶

cocoa powder, cheese

Fri, Nov 15 - 1:14AM 🎶

i would elaborate but it'd be really embarrassing.

Fri, Nov 15 - 1:14AM 🎶

i would. bite (/compliment)

Thu, Nov 14 - 5:49AM 🎶

-- point is, this thing u made mightve lowkey firmware hacked my mind into being able to see all this small love in the world more easily, no matter how painful the world might be. maybe not quite singlehandedly at all, but it's still the main 'instigator' i feel like --

Wed, Nov 13 - 2:05PM 🎶

also saw a lil patch of clear sky when closing shop up for lunch break. made me smile

Wed, Nov 13 - 2:01PM 🎶

a customer wished me good evening at a whopping 1:38pm. i hadnt even had lunch! if only it was evening

Wed, Nov 13 - 1:32AM 🎶

don't get me wrong tho, im still on GOOF-ASS SHIT

Wed, Nov 13 - 1:32AM 🎶

wait this isn't even [fan-level] limerence at this point (but something cuter. more abundant. healthier radiance to it. n then still the neurodivergent special interest level shit constantly percolating in my brain which might be the thing making this feel a little limerent)

Tue, Nov 12 - 9:04PM 🎶

side quest: cook and leave a little feedback letter about the fucking light recentlyish installed on the opposite apartment building (thats being renovated n insulated) being too fuckijg bright and lowkey ruining my sleep (and ambience-vibe) a bit by shining directly into my window and i bet my ass im not the only one thinkin this shit

Tue, Nov 12 - 1:32PM 🎶

ok managed to blow some steam off by repeatedly strongly hitting one of the discard plastic tubes against a pallet instead. good enough

Tue, Nov 12 - 1:18PM 🎶

sorry my people patience is so thin

Tue, Nov 12 - 1:17PM 🎶

im going to fuckinh bite the descendants of whoever tf made this shit up w the intent to cause nonpersistent harm

Tue, Nov 12 - 12:59PM 🎶

kindly please fuck off i need a break

Tue, Nov 12 - 8:05AM 🎶

stupid baka life smth smth

Mon, Nov 11 - 10:12PM 🎶

cleaning out some slop from the documents folder tonight

Mon, Nov 11 - 7:42PM 🎶

found a cool spreadsheet i made in late 2015 into early 2016, of my outside-of-school-food spends for two quarters at high school - stayed at its dorm (except for weekends and holidays), so it might be a cool overlook on what i ate outside of the school food, and how much the shit cost back then. 9 years ago.

Mon, Nov 11 - 6:27PM 🎶

the bitterness of my cat being the only circumstance keeping me from actively making moves for moving out

Mon, Nov 11 - 6:25PM 🎶

(vaguepost at someone irl)

-- youre too coarse i dont like you

Mon, Nov 11 - 5:44PM 🎶

havin a shot of that honey-ginger-lemon concoction just to feel something beyond average baseline. and also cos it hits nice. i could make some tealike stuff with it

Mon, Nov 11 - 3:37PM 🎶

stumbling over my own feet (metaphorical)

Mon, Nov 11 - 4:08AM 🎶

inhibitions are on their way down

time to sleep

Sun, Nov 10 - 9:44PM 🎶

cute: soft hyphen being shortened into shy

Sun, Nov 10 - 9:19PM 🎶

someone in clarence clarity shoutbox being like "This guy announced the album release 2 weeks before it drops and it's still too long to wait 😭😭" and part of me is like. ive been fuckign desensitized to waiting for albums. fuck my stupid baka oli xl fan life /lighthearted

Sun, Nov 10 - 3:59PM 🎶

ignoring the low-battery indicator (red light fading in and out) on the wireless mouse, for now

Sun, Nov 10 - 3:25PM 🎶

the flowers (unidentified; pink) in the vase from my birthday are still looking good 10 days later even despite the fact the water hasnt been changed or anything

Sun, Nov 10 - 1:22PM 🎶

earnest existence...

Sun, Nov 10 - 2:21AM 🎶

thought: make lil yarn stars or whatnot n leave em in places

Sun, Nov 10 - 1:29AM 🎶

-- it fills all the gaps within me with - im trying to find an apt metaphor for this. y'know when u bake something that gives off a rly comforting smell in some sense, and it kind of permeates every room of ur living space if not beyond? whatever it may be for u. but thats what it does, it fills all the gaps within me with this fulfillingly comforting scent --

i just keep grasping at various metaphors for my deep-sprawling love for this song

Sun, Nov 10 - 1:13AM 🎶

tl;dr:
thank you, oli —
i mean it.

on the lil cartoon-smile-gratitude letter i gave

and, after a small dm addendum, swearing i wont yap directly at him abt my love for it from here on cos itd be too much!! lets me digest all this a little more in peace without some part of my mind pestering me about that.

and implied sidenote of find me yapping about it online at lengths unimaginable instead really. at this point i may well be just a search engine result away.

Sat, Nov 09 - 3:47PM 🎶

honey-ginger-lemon power up

Sat, Nov 09 - 3:39PM 🎶

im going to bite some1

Fri, Nov 08 - 9:10PM 🎶

evian christ and seretide are bangers and mash

comment on tp english heritage videomix

Fri, Nov 08 - 8:38PM 🎶

Rare creatures are visiting the garden!

Fri, Nov 08 - 1:51PM 🎶

or beautiful

Fri, Nov 08 - 1:49PM 🎶

that it's gripping to behold doesn't mean it's healthy or useful

Fri, Nov 08 - 1:36PM 🎶

[scrawl]

feeling like slop in this fine time. i wish i were home so i could deal w/ cleaning my room, frustrating that the motivation tends not to stick easily. here feels a tad overwhelming. still i gotta do stuff... think its the having to attend both to the register & stocking stuff... if i had to only do the latter i would be in bliss. in that sense, dealing w/ stuff at home is more overwhelming, but still i feel some urge to do it. "if not now, then when". got 4 days off coming up [soon], dig in. keep the momentum. dig in. be realistic.

Fri, Nov 08 - 12:50AM 🎶

-- on some stupidly human level, & as just some appreciator of course, i --

Fri, Nov 08 - 12:44AM 🎶

mirroring to self

Fri, Nov 08 - 12:43AM 🎶

it's all stupid. but

thank you for being

Thu, Nov 07 - 11:52PM 🎶

who up lingering... (me, i am)

Thu, Nov 07 - 11:12PM 🎶

how stupid is it that one of the main rentfree thoughts in my head is the concept of [redacted] eyes in sunlight

Thu, Nov 07 - 7:35PM 🎶

my stupidly quiet life -- yet i wish it were even more quiet!!

Thu, Nov 07 - 7:26PM 🎶

it's all noise!!

Wed, Nov 06 - 10:29PM 🎶

lmfao fucking hello my site's oliponders page is literally 2nd result on g**gle when i search oli xl lick the lens on at least incognito mode

Wed, Nov 06 - 10:03AM 🎶

dreamt i randomly visited some middle school classmate living in some trailerlike thing at the lake and they seemed happy to see me

Tue, Nov 05 - 10:07PM 🎶

stuff ive gone like 'would be a fire/banger/funny/cute username' at (if not already in use) at least in my thoughts, as per some searching in my discord messages in a couple places (favs bolded):

etc probably

at work, mentally tired, thinking about the concept of biting

Tue, Nov 05 - 4:57PM 🎶

bite the world

sensory (valid way of obtaining info)

spiteful / sensual (valid way of communication)

oli xl reference spun on its head (mute the world)