i mean to be fair on a more lighthearted note this dream involved, ridiculous as it fucking sounds, a literal pocket-sized evian christ (???) who'd ended up turning into some literal pocket-sized dog or somesuch by end of dream (??????) (accompanied by another pocket-sized dog or somesuch) (this was what made me cry in the dream, not sure what emotion tipped me over)
???????? lol??
and also weird physics involving a cup that was floating spinning in some draft of wind on my parents' balcony, at some earlier point
...over something really silly that wouldnt even be possible irl, and im not even sure what it exactly was about it, but it was the last straw on dream-me, who was also feeling heavyhearted about the fallout (even while the person wasnt in this particular dream)
note-to-self: scroll-margin for spacing before :target elements (maybe also some minimal addtl styling)
think it's the most out of place ive felt with my being-online habits in a hot minute, either way. so empty.
writing full-privately in my diary feels too lonely of an ordeal sometimes, is all. and i don't want that sort of loneliness on my plate right now, there's enough shit on it already
shouldve taken the hints i.e. i shouldve taken them more seriously
fucking frustrating all the same. nothing to do but try be mature about this and try pass the emotional-time (i.e actually find things to do to take my mind off all this), and go to the grocery store after work all the same...
feeling timid about continuing to air it like this within my site-constellation when airing the in-love feelings within my site-constellation was part of what bit me in the fucking ass ultimately
but i REALLY need the outlet or i will either lose my mind or make my trusted friends lose theirs (halfjoke, but there's only so much they can do). and no, writing full-privately in my diary doesnt hit the same
nothing of use to do on the phone for rest of lunchbreak, and nothing of non-use either. only focus on the nts supporter radio...
trying to monitor my mind patiently without coming to rushed conclusions and actions
fireworks outside (a couple hours early) vs one of the leathery floorpillows creaking while a friend of a friend lounges atop it
"i shouldve taken the hints" and "they shouldve been more straightforward" can in fact coexist no matter how frustrating it might be
and on account of my mind being annoyingly associative even via small details sometimes, the griefs small and large have partially coalesced into a web of some kind. I Wish I Could Bawl About It All Maybe I'd Feel Better Then.
these are the narrow days. staring at a slice of grey sky through a window. feeling the weight of your body, the heaviest substance imaginable. listen to the small and fleeting sounds. sudden memories, jagged or slippery. read words very slowly and try to breathe around them.
keep beetling on 🪲
-a friend's comforting words the other day
like yea i do have plenty other friendships that actually do make more sense and i do appreciate them
but if u fall and absolutely fuckin eat shit do u focus on the bits of u that remained unscathed or on the It Fucking Hurts
the fallout just more of seemingly-small-but-maybe-not-really grief on top of already this year of change and griefs large and small for me. still variably fucking gutted about this even while i understand and respect the need for distance and do need the distance myself also
doesnt stop me from wishing things had turned out differently but there's nothing left to salvage now most likely
thinking about some tumblr post about posting in big fuckoff font size, thisll be an indirect reference to that one:
i've logged the fuck on and i'm making it everyone else's problem!!!
*i wont make it everyone's problem i'm just trying to vent this frustration atm in ways that don't allude to why i'm frustrated cos there's nothing i can even do about it directly
IT'S OKAY FOR EMOTIONS TO TAKE UP SPACE WITHIN ME
what i do with or roused by them is another question BUT IT'S FINE TO FEEL THEM it's literally fine. and then i can let them go gracefully AND IT'S FINE