having said the stupid things in earnest, and them having been in earnest doesnt stop them from having been stupid
a customer dropped a coin, immediately caught it back from its first bounce from the lower bit in front of the counter. satisfying as fuck
no reason not to make life easier for myself down the road (by doing stuff that needs doing Now)
mildly refreshing to see discussion of some mildly to moderately known people and think to myself i dont even know who they are and i dont think the knowledge would even be relevant to my life
some tumblr post
dude stop before i develop a strange and powerful fondness for you
not (purely) crushbased fondness, to be clear
bristolian curse lite mode (my throat / vocal cords still a bit off from all the yapping at the event)
hostel purgatory bullshit ended up letting up. found out in morning there was a whole 4 british ppl in the room (of 6 beds) that all know each other or otherwise had bonded during the stay or something. was fun to unabashedly eavesdrop.
im home by now.
some hostel purgatory bullshit (same bunk as some mf that sounds to be hella wasted to hiccup extent. and im bottom bunk which might be the compromising bunk in this case. hellworld. would offer water but im not sure if theyre awake or asleep)
everything such a miracle (thought whilst i look at one set of doors of this older looking tram)
stray thought-energy, no pocket notebook on me, phone on 26%. lonitseera save me
mario + luigi sighting, bristol halloween edition
callback to when i saw a couple ppl dressed as mario + luigi on a barely descript june saturday night in glasgow
britneys hit me baby one more time was playing from the aux in one part of the hallways toward passport control
nidar laban candies can wait for a future time i may be slightly cooked unless i run
omw into copenhagen for some enrichment cos ive got enough time til my last flight leg (departs 5pm!). listening thru rogue intruder soul enhancer over a long while. feels right!!!!!!!!!
listening to the stray amounts of mew i have in my local files while waiting to board the riga-copenhagen leg of this traversal to bristol. feels right.
how i'd currently explain this: strangely deep fondness im in the midst of alchemizing from a crush into something else
seems there's some wee dog barking somewhere nearby me in the aircraft bless them
thinking back on spotting some estonian speaker group passing by me in the other direction in riga airport once, one of them had short hair and short beard and both were also PINK!
i myself will wait til grey to hassle w bright colors cos really can't bother to mess with bleaching this dark swathe of hair
on the bus to airport - someone w/ bright pink afro waiting at one of the bus stops :-) good sight in this dreary weather
theres still the wish-energy to give a tenderest cheek kiss, but out of respect ive moved the target away and now it no longer points at anyone in specific, for the time being - stray energy, got to be a bit careful with it
need to try to digest this somehow creatively, by means of art/craft somehow
im gonna flip my shit if some third family member comes out the woodworks and asks me what i want for my bday cos the undies shopping id rather do myself and a microwave would frankly take up more precious space than its worth
now my mom asking me what i want for my bday 😭😤 cornered me into the sewing-machine card
but yeah, smaller cordless drill feels like an easiest one of the list of wishes. preferably makita so i could run it off the same 18v battery as i do the cordless vacuum cleaner my parents got me some while back...
what stupid little blessings to count, being in this web of connections
"i don't really know what i need" this is only largely true on an emotion level.
my brother asked me what i want for my birthday, my first thought was genuinely a more modestlooking cordless drill. id like to be able to actually fucken install the smoke detector into the ceiling and that, and maybe readjust or remove the sliding trashcans module from under the sink.
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a sewing machine would be nice but i think my parents still got their older one after my mom got given a new one for her 60th last year so id kind of want their old one. but yet to tell them this
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a microwave would Hypothetically be nice but i've been able to largely do without in the past couple of months
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need more music from oli xl!!! but very patient about this, dont want him to push himself into worse burnout and that
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still wishing to catch shysoft-dream friend one of these times, though no longer agonizingly in my head about these things - just that it'd feel nice to catch him again
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more of proper executive functioning for actually doing things ahhh - the "you need to do whatever the fuck you want" from a reddit post i have a screenshot saved of might fit like a glove for this too, cos sometimes i DO want to do some chore or other?
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also want/need more pairs of actually comfortable underwear ngl, including period-time ones...
or maybe i just get sad thinking about how some of my past selves could've used a bit more grace, if even from myself. i dunno. and a bit more upfront honesty from certain others, still makes me want to crash out a bit whenever thinking about the circumstantials. sure yes i could've done better too, but i didn't really know better at the time. as ive said before, always such a risk
but yeah, theres such a thing as too much self-introspection. i'm primarly here to experience things.
dreamt i was in some big apartment, and was plotting to paint its balcony yellow
and the friend knowing by now i've been referring to him as shysoft-dream friend - nothing to lose really. and maybe there's some fun to the vagueness of the phrase
4 different friends and 1 of my brothers rolled thru my dreams this time.
either local-penpal friend or fellow-yearner* friend (or some inexplicable hybrid thereof - we spoke in english, but i swear it could've been local-penpal friend), we were living in the same apartment building, same staircase, we hung out in the staircase a bit and then went to my apartment (i was at the rental), one of my brothers had somehow materialized on the couch. i introduced the two to each other.
cut to - me hanging out with bristol friend and shysoft-dream** friend, someplaces, must've been in tallinn or otherwise tallinn-like. an estonian friend who i've not spoken to in a while and who i've never met irl texted me about whether she can come visit me, i texted back i wasn't home at that moment.
*we started speaking 1v1 more via bonding over both of us being in the yearnful throes hahah
**i think i'll continue to refer to this friend as shysoft-dream friend for continuity's sake really - don't know any better way to refer
but for sure no longer spinspiralling inside my own head about this - even while still admitting to myself and to whoever cares enough to look at my thoughts page that the friend is cool and cute
oh shit new meredith monk album? sometimes nice to be tapped in on classical-primary radio at work. theyre gonna play (bits of) the album on this show
long as this doesnt scare the customers off too much HAHA
love as unstoppable force, respect as immovable object - least thats the way things feel within me maybe even at large
thinking about how i read some stuff from loveless aro ppl somw time back, and rlly seeing what theyre putting down in the text, even while not loveless or even aro myself, just someone with a bit of a fraught relation with the concept and how its defined in this stupid orientation-rigid chunk-of-world n that
'love' this 'love' that, what about respect and so on fr
You've got some good energy tho
Keep it safe
And it will serve ye well
-a friend :,]
two wolves living within me - theyre named Unstoppable Force and Immovable Object
-- still really enamored with you, so don't mind me too much if i say more of silly shit to you --
wait fuck this means im officially turning 29 next week too HAHA
it's cool, just a bit unexpected. i guess i had one big wish for the being-28, which was Moving Out, and move out i did - so i'm happy.
who will clock whom first is gonna be the most fun question (i will probably clock him first, but who knows. there's a rough trade right next to the venue, i might go and look at stuff in there. i hope they got james k friend cd but its ok if nottt cos maybe there will be cds at the james k show tooooo)
im officially catching moa pillar again Next Week, over nearly 6 years. not clear if itll be live or dj (in his ig post shouting out some upcoming things, he only said he will be playing "me music" at the bristol thing hahah), but either way will be crazy cool and/or cute to sort of reunite after all this time
catching lorenzo senni live gonna be cool too, and at least one friend of mine whos going to that tooo
manifesting that shysoft-dream friend's able to come - but it's okay if not :p
seeing you in soft golden hour light. it... really doesn't make too much sense but, also sort of does on some level. can't get out of my own head about it for now - much nowhere else to go for the time being
staying at a friend's - she's temp hosting two cats of a friend of hers while he's abroad for a few months, i've met the cats a couple of times prior too, and one of the cats been sleeping here at his usual spot (the couch, which i just happen to be sleeping on tonight too, leaving a corner free by hanging my feet off the couch to be able to straighten my legs) for the past 3 hours i think :-]
will try continue sleeping now
nonsensical softness, want to catch u face to face so i could crawl back out of my own head about this for once
(ok i wasnt able to hand the rental back over yet smh - monday. i'll go fetch the drying rack last min then cheers)
silly happy moment: june 2022, warsaw, poland. was linking up with a small bunch of people from a server, was already with a few of em. when the few of us finally linked up with some of the rest of us, i muchly ran to hug my helsinki friend and accidentally had my shoulder collide w his face to whatever degree ahahah but was no sustained injury
Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.
the part of gingerbread dough making where you combine the sugar syrup stuff and the butter is a peak example of trusting the process
annoyed! at how certain past situations unfurled on an emotion level. always such a risk
now onto more seretide mixes just cos too much trance envy for me to have been able to fit it into one evening
onto trance envy 2
the effect djs and musicspersons have on you is very profound
-a friend's observation about me pfffff
site idea: tranceparty page - little compiler of the eventposters (at least those from ever since the seasons treatment started - if not more, as per the list someone(s) cooked up upon yr1 index) and text list of all the mixes on tp site radio (as per the ig post when it was announced)
first two songs are seemingly random spoken samples spread on a thin dry cracker of rhythm
okay not random at all actually
the first one tells a story, the second one has a distinct lack of story
atp there might only be one question i want to ask moa pillar at this point - Have You Been To TranceParty?!?!?
and if he has not then i will wholeheartedly threaten him to go, especially whilst corsica's still open
beautiful sunrise (now receded to just regular cloudy sunrise) + all fired up seretide mix = indomitable spirit even at 7:40am on the 4th workday in a row
wait this could be a promisingly beautiful sunrise im seeing the light change
a crow in the distance flying one way, a fly in my room flying the other way