condensing

fun thing spotted as i pull some of my tumblr reblogs offline so to speak (archived n then deleting): someones animated illustration of themselves, to be used as their about-me gif for their site

replaced batteries in the fairylights on the wall

foggy

delightful weather forecast for the weekend

how silly would it be if i made my official signature a papercranelike scrawl

weird love, this time w/ bugfixes

it can be weird navigating internet and proximity, for all of us. and communicating like “this thing means a lot to me” without going into “i need you to be my friend” territory or something

-truest bars from some1 ive chatted with a lil recently, a fellow huge olifan

today i got to pet a dog and immediately proceed to fuck up my knee a bit by accidentally banging it on an edge of the counter pretty hard

sometimes i look at this anon ask i got on tumblr in august 2012

I love the way you always smoothly slip out of topic when you sp.. I mean, type. It's like you're always talking about something that reminds you of something else and then you mention it (usually using these helpful little brackets) and suddenly it's a big mess of little things. And I love it.

and im still fucken like that

overstimulation bullshit

had underestimated the power of proper capitalization in musicfile folder sorting

touch of sun

just seen some1 contract excellent into xlnt

slim portable optical truffles

hunting for witches by bloc party is now stuck in my head from last night (some relative of my friend's was paging thru nearpast things on a specific tv channel that only runs recordings of concerts)

sneeks minimal essentials to grab for spendin a single nite somewhere else, besides the clothes on me:

phone, charger, wallet, earbuds, toothbrush. earplugs if at a loud event. snackstuffs and toothpaste and maybe powerbank and spare pair of socks if strictly at an event for the night and not a friend's place or w/e. Thats All.

bloc party on the tv

one of my favs things to do when i realize a word in estonian is made from wordroot+suffix is punt other suffixes at the root

the "This how you know you're way too drained" under a standalone upload of that one ecco2k oli xl unreleased song is amusing to me

(i did already take a great liking to that before the big era of rn. one persons "way too drained" is another persons "impending huge special interest on oli xl thatll overshadow any drain gang enjoying within")

shoutout to the bird singing outside rn

but this morning i managed to nail the oatmeal texture at least, and made enough for lunch too. with bits of bacon from yesterday. all good

and mom got a new sewing machine as bday gift how nice (i wonder if they kept the older electric one bc that ones small enough to fit on my table in my room.. :-o)

pain in the world, my lunch for work unpacked for 2nd day in a row at least right now (for these situations i have an instant noodle stash at work, but... 2nd day in a row...), all that..

but joy too... both, in the world

so much pain in the world

or to cross thru to the point of significantly regained emotional trust anyway. and have i ever..?

saw a vid/reel the other day on some brief suggested ig-posts foray, bout some1 n their nonverbal autistic kid, n joinin in on the kid's activities instead of forcin them to do NT shit, the gist of it havin been they werent ignoring me, they were simply waiting for me to join in or some such

im not nonverbal but its intensely bittersweet for me to see, tho i dont much know/remember how my parents were w me when i was a wee kid, but feels like it wasnt enough - and theres been enough riftmaking from their behalf in the later years that itd be really difficult to cross thru anyway

how dare you serve like that its unfair (/lighthearted)

if you live in like 15km radius from (redacted) you are entitled to compensation honestly

just need the damn album

ok these past couple of years ive had three big workbreaks:

• patrick wolf gig workbreak (accidentally 2nd year in a row i could make it to one during bc he just posted tix to a lil tour for which i could make it to 1 if not 2 of the dates if i so wanted; april)

• july 1st half (simply is)

• oli xl dj set workbreak (accidentally has been 2nd year in a row ive gone to one during (if not two as was in 2022); october)

spectrum journey (traveling listening to oli)

-a friend accurately describing my occasional ways

thinking about how the 9am/10am sun would shine perfectly into the apartment i lived in for a couple of years during uni

the artist in question being metabora who ive acc seen twice sorta, once years ago solo and once recently acconpanying san hani. ngl would love to catch a solo set again bc i vaguely remember having enjoyed the one years ago but i was too busy for the event the blurb was for, this week

near got so excited at a stray mention of oli xl in a blurb for an estonian artist i wanted to throw my phone from the excitement what the hell @ self looool

an event in helsinki for end of next month got announced thats got a banger lineup including oli

im one contented goose

testing the wireless speaker my parents have (its a big hunk of a makita one for construction site type jamming)

such thick snowflakes rn redeeming the dumbass freezing rain the past couple days

spinning again

bite gnaw bite gnaw

gonna go to the library after work (after eating)

news: something something nato dude saying the alliance might need to prepare for decades-long opposition w russia something

me mentally: as if theres not already been in some way or other

birdsong

same kid also asked if we have banana seeds 🤣 technically we DO but its a decorative sort

two customers, tween kid and adult; post-purchase exchange

(kid entirely randomly:) "did you know you can grow persimmons in estonia!!" -- (adult:) "No You Cant!" -- "it's difficult but you can!!!"

n the adult sayin the kid's been reading a fuckton about plants in the past couple days or smth lmao love 2 see it

okay time to clean out the fullscreen screenshots folder

pants from something or other of the fabrics, one day

i like havin 2 days off midweek it's like weekend vol 1

looking at the courier van location from the map and being like PAKIDGE SOON (within the next hour, 7 stops away)

noise reduction mode

lunchbreak save me

save me lunchbreak

bite the world

nothing new under the sun

okay so i do have insta back on my phone rn but i only reinstalled it so i could clean out a lot of my older posts and my stories archive (as ive done once a few years ago too to be fair)

want to put up something adjacent, for showing some nice photos ive taken, onto my site, but i will have to see about the exact approach to have for that.

i shouldve gone for rogue intruder (always kicks my brain into flow gear)

instead i put on one of the albums i got off bcamp yesterday, as per a friend's rec some time back (donkey laundromat by yunzero)

it does go hard but i got shit i wanna get done but now im just sitting here Enjoying The Tunes w/o doing anything (mainly grocery run for cocoa powder cos im entirely out of it)

okay too much stuff

cute weather

load-bearing lunch break

lmfaoooooooo helpppp my mom liked one of my ig stories -- prolly more bc of the pic - its a cool pic, various footprints in the snow, peoples shoes, a duck, some non-waterbird, some tiny dog - & not the probably some others out there neurodivergently hugely into olis stuff but im just stupidly loud abt it text, idek how the machine translation thing mightve parsed that if she perused it lol

wonder how old the currently oldest consistently used and reused intact cardboard box hypothetically is

"content" still such a soulless way to refer to creative output

found a possibly perfect beanbag chair type for the cozy sitting corner conceptry of my room

Let Her Cook

sun out

tomorrow an instant noodle lunch day

but this now being past i could (& did) uninstall discord and insta off my phone again for a stretch of time

but i saw mechatok again - didnt talk this time merely surprised him w a lil paper crane midset and got a cute reaction - and the night in general slapped, and got to meet a couple ppl i kno from online :'D

skewed sleep got me fucked up

had a 2-3 hr nap but still feel like i need to sleep but 1) i cant fuck up my night sleep cos i have work tomorrow and 2) im STARVING

sun out

in my bliss when i can fuck around stocking n readjusting stuff in pure flow

deeply in my feelings

the weekly Fish Van

molt mode

candy in pocket

finally cut my fringe a bit today, had got a bit long

auditory hell

whatever i expected from today, hearing a mashup of daddy cool and du hast from fm radio wasnt it lmfao

estonian broadcasting service gotta eat pant for some of the news choice or nonchoice shit but their classical radio been playing mashups this hour as per at least this episode of the show currently on lol

helpppp i forgot to temporarily turn off the later-set alarm on my oldass phone in the morning so one of my parents had to (cos i have the alarmtone set to dnL by oli xl rn) deal with this oldass phone occasionally going like *chalkboard noises* *ambience* boringggg lameeee 💀

my mind specifically recalled this particular post tonight

had to hop onto my laptop briefly cos some of my bookmarks are on a spreadsheet offline

weather forecast for wednesday seems nice

life feels fragile. ought to enjoy all i can, best i can

lol just saw the word order typo in that thought, was too excited 🤣

it tosses an out of memory error when i press post but it actually went through wow..

holy shit - seems i can post thoughts from very very old my nokia 2630

and i feel overwhelmed a bit, too

i feel selfish

gingerbread?

did my laundry finish? i think my laundry is finished...

the stray alcohol/drinks shopping list has toonik x persetäis, toonik is tonic of course, but persetäis is fucking amusing bc it directly translates to assfull. assfull of tonic

fun thing to put on wall between art: stray shopping lists ive found on the ground (i now have two of them, plus i have some strat alcohol shopping list i also found on the ground once but that one is in my mementobox cos i found it walking w a couple friends in the city i went to uni to)

ok im good now (put on some of revanchist loudly enough to drown out outside sounds)

rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear

(the thought is about having to live w my parents still)

rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear

rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear rip tear

softly awash with excitement again

hesburger dilemma day

sunshine + snowing + -14c

[thought fragment] & everything else is just noise from unmet (socio-)emotional needs

no new morning papers anyway today but the postbox hinges were also nearly frozen lmao

no new papers in the morning the postbox lock has FROZEN SHUT

another year of sometimes not shutting the fuck up

mildly obsessed w the example actual grocery receipt chunk shown on the VAT change procedures sheet, showing where the new % should be showing

[part cut off], potato chips, half a kilo of crayfish, hennessy

raining

fucked up* in the crib listening to recordings of cicadas

*from how im gonna have unideal amount of sleep before work again

yearning for summer

aesthetic obsession

seen stars tonight

nfc (near field colleague)

retreat

once again finished with reading a book

things have sent my mind spinning (least not spiraling)

what new yrs plans does my closest friend have

theyre in the area rn i ought to ask

sometimes you're lonely enough you go to hesburger on xmas day and then have a round with one of the town buses

how to (...)

cartoon smile / cartoon frown / both

happying these fuckin holidays thru gritted teeth

(first fullblown day of period (Ow) landing on pre-xmas workday and day of having to lunch with fullish fam as per parents)

sun today rn too

hello 3rd time oli xl has appeared in my dreams this month. but this time that part of my dream was that he did a live set lol For Once A Somewhat Sensible Dream (though i somehow defied gravity cos i was able to float around? and i was mostly perched higher up, almost at the stage, and i took a cool pic at 1 point of the dream. and dude seemed a bit more outgoin wrt audience interaction but i swear it was him in the dream)

and another part of the dream where i was in (some differing formation of) the living room on one of the couches (there mayve been two in there in dream) with my boots still on? and i was explaining lux express's regular customer perks to one of my brothers when the dream ended and i woke up 💀 hahaha (cos he and whoever else was there were looking up about buses in estonia for some reason)

packed a mildly cursed wrap for lunch tomorrow... frozen grated cheese (we are out of regular cheese atm and i couldnt be arsed for a grocery store run), slightly off-smelling sausage... hopefully still ok digestion-wise

saw the moon too. waxing crescent.

sun today

cant freely function w my parents in the house i lowkey h8 it

small drawstring bags are underutilized in my life

(i have this drawstring bag that came w one of my (two, of which one idle) menstrual cups that i currently use to store mostly my wired earbuds - so convenient)

theres this rando skeletal snake plush wrapped around the frame of this bike in the staircase

wantin insta to stfu about threads app is a sign i gotta punt it from my phone for a while more

keep forgetting how to be properly balanced. keep feeling wackily off-center a bunch. maybe cos of lack of strictly local friends

today the hesburger dinner thoughts won, but so did the walking home from there instead of taking the bus thoughts

im so glad i downloaded the oli xl nts tate late live thing from oct 2019 as per this thought from when i first discovered it - it's entirely gone from nts's mixcloud by now aft it became unavailable cos of new licensing rule stuff on there

i can prolly only distribute it undercover via mega link tho lol, the one time i uploaded it onto yt oli told me to take it down. least it's not hopelessly lost media :')

hall of fame for this one person thats helped with several track id-s under my uploads of the oli xl dj set footage bundles

had a silly dream (in a nice way)

me: sees candies with lily in the name

oli xl sleeper agent in my brain: :-D :-D :-D :-D

and a rlly banger silkscreen artprint (by fatima susanna, estonian fella, all the artists at the fair were estoniabased i think), of the head of a borzoiesque dog licking muffin paper w some more muffins next to text in estonian that basically translates to your muffin paper had crumbs left

another banger for the wall fr

also got lowkey SUCH a perfect gift-idea item from the art fair for 1 of my brothers but Shhhh

i gotta figure out a way to Nonpermanently Put Stickers On Wall (2sided tape or 2siding regular tape by looping it prolly) i have so many! and got even More today.

tho sometimes when riding past by bus in non-xmas time ive spotted the bare metal support base of the kusepuu on their property

the return of kusepuu*

*theres this company or smth operating from the edge of my hometown that rents out portapotties and stuff, they first stacked up some (in green) in the shape of a pyramid and decorated the thing like an xmas tree a few yrs back and it made it to the local news in some form then. dont think it was there last year but this year the "tree" has returned. (kusepuu = piss tree, but also silly pun off kuusepuu meaning spruce tree)

lmao realized that in this typeface 'xl' looks like a More Expressive Face than in like sans-serif stuff

ebb & flow xl

how the fuck am i supposed to know this shit

least i got nice plans for tmrw after work

off-center in some rly stupid way

hv said i felt lonely a lot as a kid, implyin i dont as much now. but still do sometimes, though prolly somewhat of a different kind... mostly too busy w the mundane etc to pay mind to it, but still.

but also rn im just sad and hungry and omw to being underslept.

stuff in my room i want to give away; stuff in my room i want to transform; stuff in my room i want to have on display

50% thru with the current at-home leibniz choco kunterbunt stock

saw this hare absolutely booking it down a sidewalk

food safety violation cheese sauce, final portion

(had a thing falling from the overhead cupboard break the plate that i was using as the cheese sauce pot's lid, i did toss the larger pieces but theres still been smaller ones in the sauce 💀💀💀 gotta chew really slowly as not to bite into one)

comedy: postal handling stickers where they shouldnt be

fragile symbol on a door leading out of a room

for real though when do i change the phone battery. cos i think i can still squeeze out more out of this one (i think the initial battery had depleted to maybe 50% of initial capacity before i changed for the current one 3 yrs ago)

though i guess last thing i did before really settling to sleep was check oli's instag acc... That Mightve Done It

i havent had much proper contact at all with the oldest of my brothers in a while which makes the subconscious exclusion make a bit more sense for now

but why was oli xl there in my dream?????? lol (obvious reason: special interest haha; also hes round the Sneeks Older Brother Agebracket tbf)

slightly realistic-nonsense dream

like 3 of my (4) brothers and then oli xl too for some reason lmao, mostly in the process of meticulously deepcleaning the bathroom (like the one at home except it was larger n had a shower too in some corner of it. and at least the bathtub had somehow ended up very grotty hence the deepclean. but it was almost like the sort u would try get off of stoves. What Da He'll. also the place was elsewhere in town than where i actually live). at one point i turned to oli, who was dealing with somethin at that point, and was like hey, oli. oli. high five?, to which he complied. and it was some morning b4 work for me and i got too into beholding at my bros (and, as i said, oli xl, for some reason... but much of the time in the dream i wasnt paying much special attn to him haha) deepclean that i ended up running late for work (at one point i'd looked at the watch and it was 7:40, and then 7:55 or smth. i usually leave for work 7:30 and shop opens 8) and had to ask my oldest bro there to take me there by car rly quick smh

someone in a server im in has the same top song as me this year (cartoon smile by oli xl) but they have 8 plays of it this year to date and i have 1682. this is genuinely so funny to me

my phone's replacement battery is here. wonder when to go thru w the replacement motions.

battery health is around some 70% currently which might still be ok...

cocoon up fr

its just stupid numbers anyway

slightly at my limit

imperfect perfect day

from now on with any mildly unpleasant situation i could be to myself like "well it's no being bounced after 3.5h of waiting in berghain queue in shitty weather" ... lol

think the universe wanted to humble me after my sheer amount of uninterrupted times of catching oli xl dj sets and all (and maybe i wouldve been physically too fragile... sore throat, imminent period)

tleast still saw malibu live !

throat's still a variable level of mildly fucked up but the trip was alrite overall

slightly out of order

ugh fuck overly selfaware selfconscious

prev thought probably says more about my repulsion at the concept of actual parenthood and related stuff than anything else

and maybe at the timewastey scrollability of insta if i end up in excess of it

suggested ig post's caption be like "fur babies" "pawrents" shut the fuck up my cat's probably older than my parents in her own years if anything Shes the fucking Pawrent

oh yeah also i caught what mustve been the One Single Rome Bedbug I Hauled Home trolling me all this time the other week lmfao

(the singularness would check out from bite frequency, and fortunately it was a male specimen pfff)

u kno ur parents have gone terribly wrong somewhere in the process when u feel more emotional support from some pieces of music than from them

was trying to do an average everyday observations ig post but the app would be stupid and keep bugging at me. a sign?

good for not-this

something but not this

weighted

all the more love for it

i was aware cartoon smile has lil vinyl crackle sounds thruout and i was aware cartoon smile has fireworks sounds in the outro but it took me a hot minute and 4.5k listens to draw a potential soft parallel between them

toothbrush as a ritual object?

(src)

bathroom sink as... someplace mundanely sacred?

no longer home alone >:(

perfect day today. day off today, day off tomorrow. sunny. home alone currently.

getting silly amounts of joy from thinking about either getting hesburger or making the spicy ramen for dinner. mm food

fixations tiny and big as lil anchors of stability in a chaotic overwhelming world?

been letting rogue intruder by oli slip a little more into the bg in my brain lettin it have a lil rest, a lil ebb for a lil flow down the line

listening to screamer by babii a relative lot currently, necta goes rly hard in particular

glances

DAMMIT I JUST DISCOVERED OXHY PERFORMED LIVE IN TALLINN JUST AS I WAS GETTING INTO HIS MUSIC like literally the day after i posted that thought SMH

but tbf seen him dj and seen a perfo with the musicstuff done by him so not all is lost

i do enjoy 💥rng's energy even tho it mostly has very tiny releases, of like singles n shit

imagine the fucking potentials of a timeline where both oli's bloom label thing and samuelspaniel's boomerang label were active, and if they were to do some release or whatever in collab. fucking. bloomerang or some shit. alas this is not the timeline!!!

why da fuck we gotta be in a timeline where cease 2 exist is active and bloom is dormant

ebb, flow, ebb, flow.

its like

currently being rooted in hometown since having dropped out of uni (in 2020) while i was last like this til i graduated middle school (2013)

so theres this tinge of the simplicity that (my) life used to have except now none of my friends are in physical reach and i'd need to travel at least an hour most of the time rn so theres this vague loneliness to it sometimes

(though i used to feel lonely more often as a kid, due to being mildly different from most peers around me... and thankfully dont feel that specific kind of loneliness nowadays)

and also the internet feeling way more overwhelming now in a way... (got to be a kid on a certain estonian site, focused on flash games but w plenty other aspects incl social, which was shut down a couple years back - the heartbreak of such spaces not being able to survive as easy for the kids of now)

sigh

something about the thought of how in current times i contact my best friend thru the same platform where i can stumble upon at least vaguely vitriolic or otherwise unpleasant people in almost semipublic contexts that sap my energy (discord) while it didnt use to be like this (did the best friend and i even use msn/wlm to talk w each other? we used to be way more in touch irl bc of having gone to the same schools for a while until i dropped out of uni and had to move fully back to hometown for the time being) feels immensely fucking heartbreaking to me

(esp w the backdrop of having a tune on loop rn that has an immensely nostalgic tinge in its sound though it came out last year and i havent listened to it that many times yet)

dammit sneek go to sleep earlier pls

but tbf tonight i did also do some more productive shit so not all was lost to fixation hole

knowing the typeface helps (its the same as on his homepage)

chipping away at that easter-egg text [in oli xl go oli go single visualizer videos] in occasional fixative bouts, slowly

nice feeling: skipping thru fresh untampered snow to nice tunes at the local lake's beach

or rather to fully register that there is guitar present

only took me a combined 1k listens of ribbon bone by instupendo and oli xl to notice that theres a lil bit of guitar in the bridge bit or whatever it is of the song

what the fuck its finally still light at 4pm again (the change of seasons might b my fav season)

"(...) exactly 1.8 second tracks (or one bar of a 133.33bpm rhythm) designed to loop infinitely. (---) The tracks are often used by adventurous DJ’s and turntablists as reliable transition tools, but can also be enjoyed by the home listener with olympic stamina." internally crylaughing...the home listener with olympic stamina...me

(via this; i've been listening to of fucking course the oli xl one on loop rn for a little bit. it's very oli, even within those 1.8 seconds)

loopy

from yesterday's meandering walk home from work:

dark out but moon and stars peeking thru cloud, wet/icy wintry, but some feeling of impending spring within; walking through a block of apartment buildings, no streetlights, but some warmly lit windows; quietly singing along to the cartoon smile vocal bit as i walked and looked around

some slips but no fallin

(as of yet this winter)

mashup concept: peacewalker by moa pillar x (jet generation +) flower circuit by oli xl

could be quite fertile ... if only i had the skill / patience / energy haha, maybe someday..

clown sleep

sure doing several silly things at the same time can be fun but theres a calm joy in just focusing on one thing at a time too

slightly overwhelming thought, while washing dishes: every thing around me at that moment has been made by some people or others...

overcast sky, droplets glistening in trees against street lights, lit windows of houses along the street

couldnt sleep well but still gotta go to work im goign to phase thru . fuckijg. walls

need to go to sleep earlier tn

make that 5 friends

a funny fucking thing abt this fixation is how ive gone off enough about it that like 4 different friends of mine have asked me how tall oli is......... (i guess an inevitability when the artistname is oli xl)

but maybe that says more about me and my preference for more local shit if possible than about the soul of lidl

a customer droppin by sayin they swear by lidl n are glad one is gonna be built in this town too

idk feels soulless to me though ive only been to a lidl once. maybe i shouldnt speak on this cuz of that. i wld probably still swear by the more local chain options despite prices

gonna make it work

potentially sent my digestive system slightly to hell with rlly spicy ramen

lady with beanie that says bruh

fml aimlessly bumbling online again

experimenting with the timestamps on my thoughts page

i guess it doesnt help that i've shifted from age to [abbreviated] birthyear in most of my socmedia bios/abouts so i wouldnt end up forgetting to update them at some point down the line or whatever

talk of 26 i barely feel 26 i still feel 25 i dont know man. is it at this point that im starting to lose my grip on my precise age lol

kinda funny fucking situation from the other night: while discussing oli xl with someone in a server i'm in's general channel a friend who was lurking the chat dm-ed me asking if i have a crush on him 😭😭 not escaping known-person crush allegations even at 26

this music tying my sleepy brain into loose knots rn

some rare times it all goes to silly ideas hell or wherever with me thinking "lowkey a cross-stitch-decorated pillow w this would go hard ngl LOL" or whatnot

hyperfixation centrifugal mode

it's w/e i dont even talk to them actively anymore

slightly disheartening when one person has some kinda problem w something abt how u are or what u do while everyone else is ok with it or sometimes even encouraging to an extent

also my throat hella red and so so easily irritable cuz of some common virus so i guess work is entirely off the table for this week while i try target it w the antibiotic my gp prescribed me

divin deeper in the oli xl iceberg

2nd time as of recent that ive found out about the death of some prominent estonian person thru my best friend telling me about how they found out about it thru like tumblr or reddit

also i still had to bail from work midway today bc was feeling too sickly. resting now

also the funny thought of probably taking up a wee bit of space in lad's mind by way of having caught SIX of his irl sets this yr lol

at least just a slight sore throat and slight feverishness and less appetite... no coughing n nose fully functional which is good

bit sickly, dont wanna get fully sick

already dreamt i woke up late for work while a bit sickly n had to figure out whether to go at all

moa pillar being like 'but i need to finish my album first' in the caption of a recentish ig post of his, if moa album drops before oli album i Will Fucking Die (this is a joke obviously) Or At Least Sue The Year 2022

but at the same time, when i caught the rome oli xl set, oli recognized and waved at me upon spotting me before the sets while setting up, im never going to fail

feelin a bit solemn today

grant me the strength to survive this car trip mentally thank u

unnecessarystressmas

the biggest discount sometimes is when u dont buy the random thing at all

ok but what i rly want is a couple good elastic hairbands and some comfy boxertype undies

blew up like 5 balloons and now my left ear wants to Die

wake up to usual alarm and my parents.. Fuck ... remember i have day off today....Oooo Yeeaaa

kuidas tuvastada lonitseera austajat: küsi neilt sidrunhappe täisnimetust

sidrun 🎵 hape 🎵 2-hüdroksüpropaan- 🎵 1,2,3-trikarboksüülhape 🎵

but maybe its part me being overwhelmed by the thought of my own digital footprint

this thought stirs something within me

because I realized that when I'm looking at stuff on the internet - scrolling thru timelines and feeds - I'm not actually interested in what I'm consuming, I'm just passively experiencing other people's interests,

hmmm mby im grappling w a similar issue...

(altho some of my internet time is me gushing at others abt my interests hahaha)

sometimes its like, this is nice but aint sticking with me personally [re some album or other from backlog]

vegan junk food bar paperflags upon the hygienestuffs container of mine

dreamt of trains

but back-and-forthing with someone thats about as batshit as me got me dropping new phrases ever such as "dust nerve lily headcanon" and "in lifting oli xl we trust"

2 much hot chocolate

dreamt i was makin a snowman

intricate dance w life

what if i just. file down the amount of discord servers im in (tho tbf a lot of those im in for just the emojis)

flailing too much digitally

the densest regular customer award goes to [ ]

[popcorn crunch sounds] [funky music playing from earbuds] what if one of my current fashion goals is just [more popcorn crunching] stealing some of oli xl's swag but [quietly sips hot chocolate] more blatantly queerly

or: youve heard of bladee clones youve heard of ecco2k clones now get ready for

actually: no i won't at least consciously be stealing oli's swag but. fella's at least vague i guess fashion sense on occasion stirs something within that of mine ngl ! ! ! (well and i am already blatantly queer i GUESS ... fucking 'lgbtq pants' as someone in a discord server im in put it re my current frequent pair of pants being rainbow 😭😭 and all that)

feeling giggly rn hehe

an improvement from yesterday tho i felt decent in daytime but pretty shite that morning n evening but sometimes it just be like that tbh

need to plot somethin else for to-go lunch, pasta time over for now, dont feel compelled w the thought of more of that. wrap time ?

"early xmas gift" not like i dropped like 1/8 of my monthly wage on two different wearable merch things today after getting paid (one i'll get my hands on tomorrow, the other who knows)

obsessed with how this lil backpack-shaped charm i decided to get from grocery store toy section just about perfectly 1) fits for this plush bunny i have and 2) fits the portable bluetooth speaker that i have

early xmas present

shoutout to the newer workplace ups unit, was finally useful w this random split-second power outage

wok intruder pole enhancer

its funny to read back on my diary writings from like 10 yrs ago or so and see one thats like omg %fave_artist% acknowledged my existence, while by now im like Thems Just Some Fellas Too hehe

customer: compliments me being all communicatin n kind n shi

my introverted ass: OU

tempted to acquire some typa drawing tablet ..

my brain is annoying today. not sure how much of it is because of parental presence in next rooms

ahhhhhhhh ahhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(this is meant in bigfan way)

though the site closure was announced a few months in advance so i had time to back up whatever i wanted to back up... but some mightntve even known bout it nonetheless

i still remember my user id (that was in the urls of the profile and pagethingy; mine was almost palindromic lol) and some of the usernames i had there and the chatroom's page id (the main 'branches' of the page were linked like (main domainfuckery)/id/(page id thing))

rest easy mängukoobas

phantoms of an estonian website i spent my childhood on n was still semifrequent on up til it was closed almost exactly a year ago

ive not ended up accidentally visiting the site since then, but still feels like some vague distant hole. though theres a discord server for ppl who used to go on there but ive not been in there for a few months now, wasnt much into the vibes and havent bothered to rejoin

(the site was mostly dedicated to flash games but it had plenty creative and social aspects too, each user had their own lil 'site' they could customize to some extent, the layout choices were predetermined and there was just some ltd choice of bbcode but otherwise got to go ham to childfriendly extent, designing headers and menu buttons and other stuff and havin lil subpages for stuff)

sometimes the target state isnt spotless sometimes its cleaner

finally tweaked this theme a bit, mwahaha wavy underlines

perched on my silly chair listenin thru some silly music backlog on silly 'tubes

been bopping to more of mostly oli's mixes this afternoon/evening

though this torus mix that came from autoplay after one of em was real nice too

but ill b safe in fine ole estonia i believe

hah that stuff got punted out the window by whatever This bullshit is

(returned tix for this weekend's yves tumor gig trip, got tix for a fest this july (while im on break too!!! blessed timing) in riga where they will be too, and also for a local gig this friday which is slightly good news on top of the bullshit)

though this still cute, oli xl's voice,

fine i guess no other choice but to feel these feelings for however short or long theyll stick around!! Stupidly (Temporary-)Crushlike Feelings lol, i guess there can b some sort of fun in feelin this type of stuff w/o acting upon anything too

(tiny part of me feeling reflective bout last year when i did act upon crushfeelings, towards a friend of course, wouldntve otherwise, and wondering how itdve been had i never told them about the dream that made me crush on them in the first place)

its kind of silly its kind of nice this resulting feeling LMAO fucking hell

when u hear a mediumkey big fav artist of urs speak (at the start of a mix) for the first time w/o all the vocal fx foolery they have on in songs and its kind of the end of u because now its gonna slightly live in ur head rentfree

oooppps

operating under the assumption that there may be guests today (who knows)

tragedy of having been like 'this would be a slapping username' at several phrases and yet having too much a unified online presence namewise to really use any of them..

animal crossing jock villagers fitting whole gyms under their couches and shit

would b nice if some of animal crossing logic worked irl. like, condensing whole furniture pieces into just leaves to shove into pockets. imagine that.

silly way to harness creativity: pic manip for the purpose of custom discord emojis

and some of the nicknames i associate w certain people whove called me that at least a couple times. snake, sne, sneebus, keens n sneekface, snik, šnek... these ones certainly.

also from the aforelinked ecco interview

PXE tends to be interpreted as a project about inner conflict. I don’t feel like there’s a conflict, necessarily. Personhood is just really complicated. Just because it’s not a singular, unified, streamlined reality, doesn’t mean that it’s in conflict. Sometimes it sounds like 50 people shouting at each other in my head, but it’s still a monologue. It’s still you.

think id at least subconsciously reached some sorta similar thoughts independently of this so this kinda speaks to me too

also makes me think about how mostly in a discord server i frequent in ive been called handfuls of permutations of 'sneek' (i guess thx to the person i crushed on for a while singlehandedly calling me handfuls of permutations of 'sneek') which i kind of find sweet in general. endless permutations of 'sneek' in a trench coat. perceived a litl differently by everyone. dynamic identity. all that.

at least she didnt give me any grief or anything bout me not wanting to be anything specific as a kiddo so thats cool

from that interview re the being asked what u want to do but not rly wanting anything specific

When you’re a kid, adults ask that all the time, and you have to have a good answer.

thinking of how its hella common for kids to wanna b some1 of some profession but my mom's told me i never really had anything specific in mind then (was too busy being a kid / being built different). iconic really.

i quite like this ecco interview, i revisit it sometimes

got a week off now, gonna simply chill for most of it

in my hubris im a dumbass (read: 2nd night in a row of sleeping a bit under 4 hours before a workday)

uh uh iconic

sbecord buzzing about a potential drain somethin potentially droppin soon bc of there bein some teasin but i will merely just. slip thru life as ive been

even tho i do be lookin forward too, if it is indeed a something dropping soon

angy

she woke me an hour before my alarm today about to throw up in my bed (managed to gently toss her on floor before) but its ok i still appreciate her

she is currently snoozing next to me while i sit on my bed

had my small wireless speaker propped up on my cats hollow big scratch post / cave pillar type thing while i was hanging laundry to dry, listening to some ecco, and she hopped atop it and chilled some. even used the speaker as some sorta pillow briefly which was cute. i gave plenty pets ofc

work hard play hard i think to myself while sitting at the register comp playing candy crush on it

turn your mental prison to a maze / turn the maze into a place where you're safe

(noblest strive, off the aforementioned album. the song has a satisfying flow to it)

might b considering 333 my fav bladee album rn and the old drainheads can cry all they Want abt it

tho i oughta revisit the older bits of the discog, sometime

so much music so little time/energy

brewing in this silly cocoon

at least an impromptu nap i had reset my mind a little so im no longer thinking abt the couple of mutually blocked ppl rn. good.

gonna find out tomorrow evening whether my manager can come to work from thurs, she said all her tests have been negative. manifesting thursday off, i got low mental energy

not used to this level of... would it b ok for me to call this some sort of hyperfixation with my merely asd-flavoured spicy brain, it makes the most sense. not used to this level of that (day 2 of just sort of mostly listening to gud lmao), but its cool i guess !!

part of mind: wonder if [blocked person 1] and [blocked person 2] have talked abou-

other part of mind: ratio + didnt ask + dont care + ecco2k smile + key jangling noises in comedown by gud + what of it

not that it really matters

though keep wondering sometimes during convos on that server how theyd look with me filtered out

mutual blocking on a discord server feels nice feels right

hopefully manager will b back from thurs itd b Nice

I Do Not Choose The Brain Brr Of The Day

admittedly it was nice stuff to chill at work to (listened to the rotation from one earbud)

also i listened to a rotation of some unreleased gud tracks for like 7-8 hours straight today. my brain is a fun place. "oh is this gud singing on some of the tracks? thats kind of cute," my brain went, and 7 hours later i was still at it

dread from it, run from it, ecco2k arrives just the same

someone in the discord server i most frequent, during one of our collab playlists, where someone thats not me had subbed ecco2k

the way im gettin out of sick leave just as my manager has ended up in iso as close contact lol. truly global the achoo

my cat has been melted across my lap for the last few hours, send help

cant fkn SLEEP

or nah thats not all

it was a comment on youtube of some1 saying they feel the song is more about overcoming ones struggles than about death which made the song crack right open for me because it rly makes sense that way too within eccos work

i guess it resonated w me even more than it couldve bc i properly picked up the song soon before my birthday last year, a few months ago, and after a big crush i'd been having on some1 and whatnot.

tho itd probably gain some new dimension once i have to cope with some1 dear to me passing, for all i know it could be my cat, shes still healthy but shes turning 16 this july so who knows

ok thats all i think

another sweetest thing abt that song: the beginning repeats 'theres a star theres a glimmer' a few times but one of the lines is 'youre a star theres a glimmer' instead, even tho its not v clear from the song but its there on the lyric sheet.

another sweetest thing abt that song: how 1 of the lines towards the end is 'say goodbye, i walk into the light' (for context for the following, the song is bonus track of e, ecco's first proper release) and then in pxe (first track off pxe the second proper release) one of the bits is 'come out of shell, come into the light'

another sweetest thing abt that song: most beautiful background vox. and the prod being dreamy af as well

ok thats all. just rly love that song

in my arms, i leave my life in yours / i go on to live so many more

(life after life by ecco2k)

most beautiful and beloved song to me rn. to the point where ive sort of sometimes been wanting to punt some type of dm to ecco (prob via twitter. even if idk how likely hed b 2 look at it it via there either) abt how its 1 of my most beloved things n thanking so much n whatnot. bc this world could always use more of kind words i guess. and this thing has fr resonated w me so much

been workin on lessening my watchlater on the 'tubes which is nice. now its mostly just music stuff aka more listenlater than watchlater

cat stop screaming every night challenge

listening 2 girls just want to have fun by bladee and ecco last night while i was in bed (though i didnt fall asleep til hrs later) made me want to dance in some way but i tend 2 b too selfconscious to dance alone

kick iii n kick iiii verdict: were ok enough as albums but just stashing away some standout songs for later possible rotation we shall see

also been mildly down with what might be covid, because my parents are positive too. tho mostly been a sore throat, but i feel like it's finally letting up

might be finally starting to digest arca's newer kicks. i was too much in ecco mode when they dropped but feel some sort of lull coming rn

kick ii verdict: i vibe with the whole thing really

selfconcsious, need to be offline touch some grass

hungry also

sometimes cute 2 behold excited ppl

im having exposure to russian-language hyperpop type stuff rn from some1 who joined the server i mainly frequent not even 24 hrs ago or something

discord spotify listen-alongs can b fun

listening thru rogue intruder soul enhancer by oli xl for the umpteenth time, over a while

some part of me has categorized a lot of oli's music as music for cloudy weather (the debut ep definitely is, listened to that before too), but right now with mostly clear sky and sun mostly out the album still feels perfect and feel like itd be in any weather

currently on mimetic

but a lot of effort to try figure out what might b worth to keep

room full of clutter

head full of noise

vaguely profound dream. hold tht thought

a trenchcoat of sneeks

helped someone remember the name of a track (based on a wrong-chords-right-rhythm main melody recon + a couple clues), makes me happy

full moon, currently...

i guess i might be continuing to gawk at this bc its been a longer while since i was this fulltilt into a music artist (my peak moa pillar hogwild fan time in terms of listening was 2017), im savouring the relative newness

or maybe less than somewhat.

my lastfm has ridiculous amounts of ecco as of late

at least somewhat.

my taste so lost in the drain its in the whole sewage, the whole pipework, the whole network

actually that exchange is tied w this one i just beheld:

"hmmmmmm... should I discog run arca later in the year"

"do it sooner than later before she drops another four albums"

"shit!"

paying respects in january 2022 to my january 2017 self being full tilt into moa pillar by being full tilt into ecco2k.........my thoughts page and whoever beholds this will simply just have to cope and seethe

fav exchange of tonight: i share a snippet to a friend of ecco performing pollen live, the friend goes like 'oh. my. god. is this heaven. what song is this??' (pollen, i answer) 'i think you just showed me my fav ecco track'

was lookin at the dusk sky for some time from living room window, nice gradient, a few tufts of cloud drifting by quite quick. mom asked if somethin was happenin outside, i was like, just clouds. sometimes nothing much happening can b beautiful n blissful too

time to make food

my whole . mmy whole being is a stupid little butterfly sanctuary rn

my silly self waxing poetic

chilled in a vc for like 7 hrs today and then proceeded to plop a merch shirt into an animal crossing new horizons custom design type thing. productive day innit !!

also nice n blissful (perfectlystill [gemstone1], also by ecco)